They evaluate my mother tomorrow. They'll make an assessment of her physical and mental state. I don't know exactly what the final result will be, but I do know some important decisions rest on my shoulders.
My mother can walk up to thirty feet. She can get from a wheelchair to a toilet and visa-versa. She's gained some weight and her appetite (helped with medications) is good. That's the good part.
She can remember certain family members, hold somewhat of a conversation, describe her physical state and eat without assistance. She can't remember five minutes ago. That's not good and removes any self-determination on her part. She will now need constant care and I can't do that by myself. The anesthesia, which was part of the risk, increased her dementia and the doctor said it probably wouldn't get better.
While my mother was able to take care of herself before, with me, or some other family member only at night, those days are over. I don't have the support network required and it's looking more like her next destination will be what's euphemistically known as "an assisted care facility".
So, I'll soon be faced with something I didn't want to face. The decision to take on this responsibility was mine, and I did it willingly when she asked if I would, but it doesn't lessen the hurt. I'm researching, and weighing the options, but my decision will be completely based on the quality of life she'll have in her last years. While home care may seem inviting, the isolation and lack of constant input from more than one person doesn't seem to have the dignity required to complete her life.
I don't know why I'm writing this, but it seems important. Life is such a finite journey and we can only hope our passing is with dignity and while we're at peace. Still, there's always that nagging thought that any decision won't be right and will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Crap. Even though I thought I was prepared for this, I'm finding it a little daunting.
Having stood where you now stand, for both of my parents, I can tell you that this decision is probably one of the most difficult you will make. Some approach this decision from the standpoint of wanting to be rid of obligation - to not have to be bothered with caring for a parent whose needs are many. Others, like yourself, decide from a loving and caring heart and in that case, know that you will do the right thing for your mother. As I move toward the day, probably not all that far away, when I will need those decisions made for me, I can only hope and pray that my children will be as thoughtful and loving and caring as you are.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words.
DeleteI will continue to pray.
ReplyDeleteSo will Scherie who would like your mom's name.
Thank you for your prayers. My mother's name is Mary.
DeleteVicki, that's beautiful.
ReplyDeleteMy mother and aunt took care of my grandmother at home (with help) for the last fifteen years of her life. It wasn't easy for them or for her, but it was probably best, since the only nearby "assisted care" facility...wasn't the best. I'm praying for you and your mother that you can find what's best for her, whether it's a long-term in-home caregiver, either part-time or full-time, or a facility.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayers. This has been one of those time when I've just let go and let God.
DeleteWhat Ed said to Vicki - nice....
ReplyDeleteI, too have been in your shoes and it IS a hard decision. That is your mother - the woman who raised you, took responsibility for you all those years, and made sure you were pointed down the right paths.
Doing her right is one of those correct paths to take. I know you know that, but be reassured that you are doing the right thing and that were she capable, she'd approve as well. Because that is the way she raised you.
The toughest part is I know she wouldn't want to be somewhere besides home, but if she was of sound mind, there would be no question and I would know she could call for help if needed. As she is, a moment of forgetfulness could lead to tragedy.
DeleteI'm sorry for you, your mom and your family. There is no advice I can offer on such a personal and heart wrenching decision, but you have my sympathy and my best wishes in full measure.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteIn reality, even though there are other close relatives, there's only me and a cousin with limited time. From conversations with others, that's how it always turns out.
I can only hope someone will take care of me if I become disabled.